Rand, Mat , and Perrin are all hanging out in the Two Rivers

Rand: Hi guys! How’s it going?
Mat: Very good, thank you. Yes, you’re very lovely Isabella, I don’t know why you ask…-starts gibbering about several women-
Perrin: Don’t listen to him, he’s too drunk to think clearly, he spent the night on the floor of the bar again…8 bottles of rum, and a few girls to hang with…that’s the 5th time this week.
Mat: But the rum was especially good last night…
-Egwene walks up-
Egwene: Hello.
Mat: Why did you blow up the rum you bloody woman?
-from the distance- Nynaeve: What’s that I heard you say? You better start running Matrim Cauthon!
-Nynaeve runs up-
Mat: Ack! The woman’s gone mad! –runs drunkenly away-
Egwene: What’s gotten into him?
Perrin: He’s drunk again.
Egwene: Again? I told the bar to stop selling him the stuff. I guess I’ll have to hide it from him.
-Mat shows up-
Mat: Is the bloody woman gone?
Egwene: Yes, she’s gone.
Mat: Good. –walks off to a tree and starts talking to it, insisting it’s Elizabeth-
Rand: The things people do when they’re drunk. Hey, has there been some creepy old guy in black following you?
Perrin: Yeah. What about you Mat?
Mat: What? Yes, of course Annemarie.
Perrin: Why do I bother?



A few days later

Trollocs invade Rand’s house

Rand: Dad! There are trollocs in the house!
Tam: -sarcastically- you think?
Rand: What do I do?
Tam: Stab them of course!
Rand: But what if I break a nail?
Tam: What?
Rand: I’m just kidding.
Tam: -muttering- I’m glad you’re not my son.
Rand: What?
Tam: Oh nothing.

Rand and Tam escape into the forest, and make it to Egwene’s house.

The next day…

Mat, Perrin, Rand, and Egwene are all talking.

Perrin: I didn’t think that trollocs existed. I thought that was all stuff that Thom told us to scare us.
Rand: Do you think it had anything to do with that old man?
Mat: Hey, do you mean that creepy old guy with a black cloak who’s been following me around?
Rand: Why didn’t you tell us this yesterday when we were all talking about it?
Mat: Hey, I was drunk, I mean you can’t expect me to make sense when I’m drunk!
Perrin: Yes, you put on quite a show.
-Rand, Perrin, and Egwene start sniggering-
Egwene: (mockingly) Put that sword down before I am forced to destroy you with my amazing swords of doom!!!!
Perrin: (sarcastically) Yeah Mat, that’s the first lethal tree I’ve ever met. I’m glad you saved us.
Mat: Hey, that tree was about to charge!
Rand: Yeah right.
Egwene: Hey, did you know that Moiraine is Aes Sedai? And Lan’s her warder!
Mat, Perrin, and Rand: WHAT?!?!?!
Mat: Aes Sedai are nothing but trouble. And even though I know that she’s Aes Sedai now, I refuse to call her Moiraine sedai.
-Moiraine and Lan walk in-
Moiraine: In that case, Matrim Cauthon, I might have to change your head into a melon.
Lan: And you’d have to stop drinking, because I might accidently slip that awful concoction of Nynaeve’s into your bottle of rum.
-Mat gulps-
Perrin: (snickering) I don’t think we’ll have to worry about his drinking problem for a while.
-Nynaeve enters the room-
Nynaeve: Oh hello, Moiraine sedai.
Moiraine: Good morning.
-Nynaeve spots Lan and shoves Moiraine aside to the ground-
Moiraine: Ack!
Nynaeve: Hello handsome. I think you and I need to talk outside.
-Egwene, Perrin, Mat, Rand, and Moiraine stare at her-
-Nynaeve grabs Lan by the hand and drags him out of the room-
Rand: That was the scariest thing I’ve ever seen.
Mat: And he’s definitely older than she is…
Moiraine: Well, let me get straight to the point. You three (pointing to mat, perrin, and rand) are ta’veren.
Rand, Perrin and Mat: Speak English please.
Moiraine: You all are pathetic.
Mat: Wait, I’ve heard that before. It means we’re special, major people in the pattern.
Perrin and Rand goggle at him.
Perrin: Since when did you know the old tongue?
Mat: I dunno.
Rand: Are you sure he’s not drunk?
Mat: (indignantly) I am not drunk! I’m breaking that habit! In fact, I didn’t have anything to drink last night!
Rand: That’s only because Egwene hid the rum.
Mat: Darn that flaming woman! I knew she did something to it!
Egwene: Ahem. I’m right here and can here everything you’re saying.
Perrin: And besides, it was only 1 night out of 3 months…
-Mat sticks his tongue out at Perrin-
Moiraine: So, now we have to leave.
Rand: Why?
Moiraine: Because I said so.
Mat: What makes you think you’re in charge, Moiraine sedai?
Moiraine: Because if you don’t listen, I’ll blow your heads off.
Perrin: (quickly) That’s enough reason for me.
Rand: Me too.
Mat: I’m in.
Egwene: I wanna go!
Moiraine: Why?
Egwene: I want to do something exciting, not wait here while you guys have all the fun!
-Perrin, Mat, and Rand goggle at her-
-Egwene sticks her tongue out at them-
Moiraine: Well, I suppose that’ll be okay, I do sense a spark in you.
Egwene: Spark? What? What do you mean?
Moiraine: Never mind.
-Moiraine exits-
Mat: Bloody Aes Sedai and their flaming secrets!
Nynaeve: (bellowing down the hallway) What’s that I heard you say!
Mat: ACK!!!!
-Mat runs away as fast as he can-

The next day.

Moiraine: It’s time to go!
Rand: (yawning) Cmon, give me at least 5 more minutes!
Perrin: Yeah, it’s only 4 in the morning!
Mat: Have pity!
-Moiraine looks menacingly at the 3-
Rand: (quickly) Did I say I was tired?
Perrin: Let’s hit the road!
Mat: (groggily) I didn’t do anything, I swear!
-Rand elbows Mat in the ribs sharply-
Mat: Let’s go!
Egwene: (muttering) Men…
Moiraine: Come on Nynaeve, you’re holding us all back!
Nynaeve: (from inside) Just a minute!
-Nynaeve comes rushing outside-
Nynaeve: Sorry about that. Hey, look, we’re one horse short. That’s okay, I’ll just ride with you Lan.
Rand: That’s okay. I’ll just get Bella.
Nynaeve: (looking desperately for an excuse) But she’s too small for me.
Egwene: That’s okay. I’ll ride Bella and you can ride this horse.
-Nynaeve looks disappointed and gives Rand and Egwene threatening looks.
Moiraine: Um, maybe we should just get going.
Lan: Are you sure Nynaeve doesn’t need to ride with me?
-Nynaeve looks hopeful-
Moiraine: (staring coldly at Lan) No, we have enough horses.
-Nynaeve sticks her tongue out at Moiraine when she’s not looking-
Moiraine: (with her back still turned) You know, for a Wisdom, I thought you’d be more mature Nynaeve.
-Nynaeve blushes fiercely and give Moiraine an angry look-
Rand: (quickly and nervously) Let’s go.
Thom: Wait up!!!!
Moiraine: Darn gleeman, can’t you move any faster?
Thom: Sorry, had to get my flute and harp and-
Moiraine: What do you need those for?
Thom:Well they earn money in tight spots.
Moiraine: Fine.
Thom: (mischievously and under his breath to Mat, Perrin and Rand) And they do come in handy for attracting women from time to time.
Egwene: Hmph!
-Thom grins broadly-
Mat: Where are we going again?
Moiraine: Fool of a boy, how many times must I tell you? Tar Valon, to the White Tower.
Mat: Oh no, not more bl- (looks nervously at Nynaeve, who looks back threateningly) darn Aes Sedai!
-Moiraine looks threateningly at Mat-
Mat: (quickly) I meant amazing, wonderful, incredible-
Moiraine: That will do.


Later that night

Mat: What’s for dinner?
Rand: (groaning) You’ve already had at least 4 plates of food!!!
Mat: But still, it’s not my fault if I’m hungry. Besides, we should have enough!
Perrin: You ate tomorrow’s lunch and dinner Mat!
Mat: Well is there a bit of rum?
Lan: I thought you were breaking the habit.
Mat: Yeah but-
Nynaeve: (threateningly) I’ve got something that might do the trick.
-Mat gulps and becomes silent-
Lan: How’s the watch going Moiraine?
Moiraine: Okay…but…wait…
Rand: What is it?
Moiraine: No need to worry, just a draghkar’s following us.
Egwene: What’s that?
Perrin: It’s harmless isn’t it?
Moiraine: (pointing) That’s a draghkar, and I wouldn’t say harmless.
Rand: What’s the worst they can do?
Moiraine: Well, it’s worse than death, they suck out your soul…
Egwene, Rand, Perrin, Mat, and Nynaeve: I’m ready to go.
Moiraine: (almost cheerfully) Good, because if we don’t start moving soon, we will all be doomed.
Egwene: GET ON IT YOU BLOODY WOMAN!!! DON’T JUST STAND THERE YOU LUMMOX-oh, sorry Nynaeve.
Nynaeve: I’ll disregard that for now, but let’s just get out of here now!!!
Rand, Perrin, and Mat: That’s not fair, you never let us get away with stuff!!!
Nynaeve: (threateningly) You better watch your drinks tonight boys or you might drink something unpleasant.
Thom: DO YOU WANT TO ESCAPE WITH YOUR LIVES OR NOT?!?!!
Moiraine: Yes, let’s get moving.
Lan: If we’re lucky, the draghkar will search the river while we go to Baerlon.

The troop enters Baerlon where they stay at the Stag and the Lion.

Rand: So this is what a city looks like.
Perrin: Wow! Look! They’re houses are so close together that it only takes them 30 seconds to get from one to the other, while at home, we’re at least 2 hours away! And the houses are so big!
Mat: If that’s how big the houses are, how big is the bar?
Perrin: Haven’t you had enough to drink for a lifetime?
Mat: Of course not! Nowhere close!
-looks over at the bar-
Mat: Whoa, would you look at the size of those bloody drinks! Now that’s what I call a good portion!
-runs to the bar and quickly fills a tankard with rum-
Perrin: We need to get him away from these things.
Rand: Yeah. Hey, I’m kinda tired, I’m gonna go off to bed.
Perrin: Okay, I’m gonna make sure Mat doesn’t get into trouble.
Mat: Arian? Hello darling, join me for a dance?
-Mat goes walking up to a random woman who slaps him across the face-
Mat: Why Arian, what was that for?
-The random woman’s husband walks up-
Man: What’cha doin’ with my wife?
Mat: Oh Arian, why didn’t you tell me you had a sister? She’s quite ugly to tell you the truth…
-Man punches Mat starting a brawl-
Perrin: Oh boy…things would be so much easier if Mat wasn’t drunk half the time…I better go.
Rand: Okay…good night.
-Rand goes to his room-

In Rand’s dream…

-Rand is walking around the flames in the darkness-
Ba’alzamon: Mwahahaha….
Rand: Who’s there?
Ba’alzamon: Who do you think?
Rand: Daddy?
Ba’alzamon: And to think that I suffer because of this idiot…
Rand: Who’s that?
Ba’alzamon: It is I, the Dark One!
Rand: Why what a large sword you have!
Ba’alzamon: Well of course, I have to have something to stab you with.
Rand: (sniffing) What’s that smell?
Ba’alzamon: Oh, that would be my cologne. I’ve got a date tonight.
Rand: I’d try one of the fancier brands. And you’ve got to change, red is so not your color…
Ba’alzamon: Well, thanks. Wait a minute, what am I saying? I’M TAKING DATING ADVICE FROM MY WORST ENEMY!!!
Rand: What’s wrong with that? And besides, this is only a dream!
Ba’alzamon: Only a dream…hehehe…I’m talking to a moron.
Rand: Stay away from me with that sword!
Ba’alzamon: You might not wake up…but then again, I’ve got another date next week and I need some more advice.
Rand: Ok, I give you advice, you let me live this time. Deal?
Ba’alzamon: Deal. Now where was I? Oh yes, I was threatening you. You might never wake again, Lews Therin…never again…(maniac laughter)

-Rand wakes up-

Rand: Ack!!! I had the worst nightmare!!!
-Egwene rushes in-
Egwene: What is it Rand?
Rand: I dreamed that I was being threatened by the Dark One and that I gave him dating advice!!!
-Egwene stifles a giggle-
Rand: It’s not funny, it was terrifying!
Egwene: I can’t take it!!!!
-Egwene runs out of the room laughing hysterically-
Rand: Are all women so flaming weird?
-Rand walks downstairs and runs into Perrin and Mat-
Rand: I had the worst nightmare.
Perrin: About what?
Rand: I was being threatened by the Dark One and I gave him dating advice!!!
Perrin: Funny, I had the same dream…minus the dating thing of course, I’m not mental…
Mat: I had a dream…that woman’s husband turned into the Dark One and told me I ruined his date! It was awful!
Rand: Only you Mat, only you. What did happen last night? Not good judging from Mat’s black eye and your bloody lip.
Perrin: We had a brawl, and when it finally settled down, Mat drank the entire barrel of rum.
Rand: Mat, I thought you decided to stop!
Mat: I couldn’t help it! It was calling my name! “Drink me Mat! Drink me, can’t you tell I’m delicious?”
Perrin: No more rum for you Mat.
Mat: Speaking of which, I haven’t had my morning drink.
Rand: No more drinking Mat!!!
Mat: Just a cup!
-Mat grabs a bottle, and begins to pour into his cup-
Mat: Wait…this isn’t rum! It’s water! Where is the rum?
Perrin: Egwene thought we should get rid of it.
-Egwene walks up-
Egwene: Good morning! Are you all feeling better after your “terrifying” nightmares?
Rand: (sarcastically) Haha, very funny.
Mat: BLOODY WOMAN, WHERE IS THE RUM?!?!?!?!
Egwene: Well, I got rid of it.
Mat: BUT WHY IS THE RUM GONE?!?!?!?!
Egwene: I’m not going to answer that.
-Mat puts his head in his hands-
Mat: Why? Why me? Why is the rum gone?
Rand: He really is pitiful.
Perrin: Wait? Where’s Nynaeve?
-Perrin walks to Nynaeve’s room-
Perrin: She’s not there…
Rand: Wait…I hear something in Lan’s room…
Egwene: Why am I suddenly scared?
-Mat knocks on the door-
Mat: Nynaeve? Are you there?
-sounds of hurried running and things crashing on the floor-
Nynaeve: Yes?
Mat: What are you doing in there?
Nynaeve: (hurriedly and breathlessly) Nothing, nothing at all.
Mat: I don’t believe you…I’m going to make sure…
-Mat tries to walk in, but Nynaeve cuts him off-
Nynaeve: Hey look! Rum!
Mat: Where?
-Mat runs off screaming “RUM!”-
Rand: So what’s going on in there?
Nynaeve: Keep your nose out of other people’s business!
Perrin: Is Lan in there?
Nynaeve: Perrin Aybara, I am going to box your ears!
Perrin: ACK!!!!!!
-Perrins runs off as fast as he can, with Nynaeve close behind-

The troop leaves in the middle of the night.

Perrin: Why did we have to leave so early?
Rand: It’s barely even 2!
Mat: (groaning) ow…my head…
Rand: What’s wrong with him?
Perrin: (grinning) Those bottles of rum must have caught up with him.
Rand: But I thought Egwene hid those.
Egwene: I decided that maybe Mat needed to learn his lesson. He can only take so much rum before the hangover hits, and judging by the way he drinks, he’s gonna have the worst hangover in the world.
Rand: Yeah, whenever Mat drinks, the barrel is always gone like that! (snaps fingers)
Mat: (moaning) Please no sudden movements…I think I’m gonna hurl…
Perrin: (grinning evilly) Yeah, like that. (smacks his hand on his thigh)
-Mat leans over the side of the horse and vomits-
Perrin: Oops. I didn’t know you really meant it.
Mat: Better watch out or you’ll be cleaning your shirt thoroughly.
-They all run into a troop of whitecloaks-
Bornhald: I say, they do look evil to me…
-Bornhald whips out a magnifying glass and studies them-
Bornhald: Yep, darkfriends. See? They show up dark!
Rand: Lemme see that!
-Grabs the magnifying glass-
Rand: That’s because you’ve painted it black you idiot!
Bornhald: (turning red) Yeah…well…even a common peasant could tell that you’re darkfriends!
-points to Mat-
Bornhald: See? His face is green! He’s obviously a darkfriend!
Mat: That’s because I’m feeling sick.
Bornhald: A likely story.
Mat: (menacingly) Want proof?
Bornhald: I don’t believe you, but if you want to waste your time trying to prove something easily impossible…
-Mat vomits all over Bornhald-
Bornhald: HE ATTACKED ME!!! GREAT SCOTT, DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!?! HE ATTACKED ME!!!! DARKFRIEND!!!!!!!!!
-Whitecloaks start to attack-
-Moiraine steps up-
Random Whitecloak #1: That’s an Aes Sedai!!!
Random Whitecloak #2:What makes you think that?
Random Whitecloak #1: She turned me into a newt!
-Band of Whitecloaks looks at him incredulously-
Random Whitecloak #1: Well I got better.
Moiraine: You all are melonheads. Go fight someone who actually IS a darkfriend.
Bornhald: No!
-Moiraine uses the power and blows up Bornhald’s sword-
Bornhald: (whimpering) Fine!
Rand: Haha! He’s scared!
Bornhald: Am not! We just…uh…decided to…uh…go after more important darkfriends. Yeah that’s it. We shall spare you your lives this time. Now let’s go.
-Whitecloaks start walking away as nobly as they can, but then break out into a full sprint-
Moiraine: Cowards.
Rand: Yeah…they’re even more stupid than that brigand I saw earlier with the coconuts…
Perrin: I remember them! With all their talk of swallows and coconuts…flaming mental…
-Rand and Perrin wait for a few minutes-
Rand: Nynaeve’s usually out to kill us by now.
Perrin: Yeah, where’s Nynaeve?
-Rand and Perrin look around for Nynaeve. They find her behind a bush (unsurprisingly) with Lan-
Rand: What is going on here?
Nynaeve: (blushing and trying to get her fix her hair quickly) Nothing, no nothing at all.
Perrin: Why am I unconvinced?
-Mat walks up-
Mat: YES!!! THE PAIN HAS ENDED!!!!!!!!! Oh, hi Nynaeve…(does a double take) Nynaeve?
Rand: Do I really want to know what happened here?
Mat: Yes, how long have you two little lovebirds been making out back here?
Perrin: Only Mat would be stupid enough to be that forward and rude in front of Nynaeve…
Nynaeve: We were not making out…we were having friendly…conversation.
Mat: Behind a bush?
Lan: Is there anything wrong with that?
Nynaeve: Hey Mat! Look! (pulls a bottle of rum out of her saddlebag) I just happen to have rum!
Mat: No, no, but, the precious….it calls to us…must gets it we must!!!
-Nynaeve chucks the rum behind her-
-Mat runs off-
Mat: PRECIOUS!!!!!!!!!!
Nynaeve: As for you two…didn’t I hear one of you say a bad word?
Perrin: Oh no…that must’ve been the stupidest thing we’ve ever done…say naughty words and when for once Nynaeve doesn’t show up with the belt, go to her and remind her of what we did…
Rand: RUN!!!!!!!
-Perrin and Rand bolt off-